How can Imago Dialogue turn any situation into a spiritual moment?

Over the past few weeks, Mondays have turned into mini-crisis management days.  Two Mondays ago, we faced a scare of having to turn in our license plates to the state of New York (just paid a fine – whew!). Last week Amy opened her bank account and found money stolen (identity theft is real, folks). Yesterday, Amy’s father was in the hospital, coming off heart surgery at Mt. Sinai on the Upper East Side of NYC.  It was wet and cold, I was sick (as you can hear in the recording above), and I imagined that if this was a decade ago – a younger, much less likable version of me from the past would have been hearing the voice in my mind complain, something like, “Why do I have to be here?  It’s her father.  Doesn’t she understand I have to work today?”

Instead, without hesitation, I walked side by side with my partner, heading to a Deli to by chicken soup for my father-in-law, grateful for the opportunity to be present and supportive.  As I walked from this posture, an APPRECIATION bubbled up within Amy, one very similar to what we’ve recorded above.

It was simply my presence that awakened Amy a sense that she has a partner, and how much that means to her.  So she invited me into an IMAGO DIALOGUE right there on the street, to share her APPRECIATION within a structured method of communication.

To do so on the fly, right there as we walked down the streets of New York, is like being a jazz musician at a jam session. Whaddaya want play?  You know that one…. alright. SNAP. 2…, 3…, 4… DIALOGUE! The structure of IMAGO DIALOGUE turns small moments into big moments, transforms the nerves of handling the unknown, or entering potentially distressful environments, into an experience of connection and open-heartedness.

The structure allows you to yield to a partner, to feel safe in surrendering as her feelings blend within the space you are providing her.  If you follow the rules, you can’t help but be touched, or at least to feel grounded and safe.

TRY THIS:

Listen to the IMAGO DIALOGUE above, and see if you notice the dynamics, the space that we’re creating, and the way that what I receive from Amy’s “send” touches a memory within me that brings me to a deeper place.  Scroll up, listen and click the link above to leave a comment.

While your at it, take a look at this piece about “Deep Conversations” by Tim Atkinson, the Director of Imago Relationships International.  http://tinyurl.com/yb87f7a

Peace.

Michael

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Why is APPRECIATION like martial arts for relationships?

Several months ago, I was lucky enough to hear Marianne Williamson speak.  She’s incredibly captivating, and her biography is as dramatic as her radiant presence.  When talking about how much of a mess she was, she wailed, “What is my problem?!? Why can’t I remember that as long as I pray and meditate I’m okay, and when I don’t I’m not okay!“  It all comes back to daily practice…

Tonight was a big night for me.  I just returned from aikido class – something I haven’t done on a regular basis in nearly 10 years.  After a slam on the mat and a twist up my wrist, it all came back to me — and I wondered: What the hell have I been doing all this time? Like Marianne Williamson, as long as I train, I’m okay.  When I don’t, I’m not okay.

In my relationship with Amy, it goes like this: As long as we do Imago Dialogue, we’re okay.  When we don’t, we’re not okay.  DAILY PRACTICE. And the thing about the Imago Appreciation Dialogue is that it allows you to give and receive uplifting positivity as a habit, as a gift that you deserve.  But with Dialogue, this gift is less like a once-a-year Christmas toy wrapped in paper, and more like a glass of water, whose cool reliability awakens your energy and stretches your senses.

TRY THIS:

Today, focus on appreciating 3 people.  Keep track.  Get it over with.  1) There’s the girl who gets me coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts:  “Nice Earrings.” 2) There’s your boss who is working extra hard lately:  “I really appreciate how much effort you put into your work.  It makes it easier for me to do my job.”  3) There’s your spouse who had a hard day:  “Did you know that you are a really terrific (fill in the blank), and whenever you (fill in the blank), I feel peaceful.

Try it. Write me and let me know how it goes.

Warmly, Michael

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LISTEN BELOW TO AN APPRECIATION DIALOGUE BY MICHAEL AND AMY SHERMAN, CO-FOUNDERS OF COURAGEOUS LOVING

What do you do after offering someone an appreciation? What’s the next step that makes this interchange complete? Certainly, you don’t want to make the appreciation sound self-serving, as if you were offering it simply to get something or to be noticed.  However, there is something you can say to create a deeper connection between you and this partner, whether they be someone from your personal or professional life.

Ask for feedback.  And receive it.

Now let me be more specific.  Ask them, “What touched you or impacted you about my appreciation?” Let yourself speak these words, or something like them.  This may not be what they expected to hear or what you expected to say, but think of it this way: you’ve opened a door with your appreciation – now along them to walk through it.

An appreciation, if fully received by your partner, is going to touch their heart. And this may stir memories within them, perhaps not always pleasant memories.  I know a story of a young woman who wrote a letter of appreciation to her mother, who happened to be an abusive parent.  When the mother received the letter, she ripped it up in front of the daughter.  She couldn’t receive the love. It touched a place within her that was filled with bitter, intolerable feelings – the same feelings that led her to act abusively in the first place. The appreciation shed light on those feelings.

This is obviously an extreme and unfortunate example, but the point is this – when we appreciate someone, it touches them in a human place, a vulnerable place, an honest place.  Even if this appreciation happens in a professional environment, the person receiving it will feel deep feelings, all kinds of feelings, if they allow themselves to fully receive the appreciation.  Let them have the opportunity to express themselves from this place and be received by you. Let them tell you what your appreciation stirred up for them.  It completes the exchange and allows for a presence of openness between the two of you.

“What touched you about my appreciation?  How did it impact you?”

They may simply say, “It felt good.”  Super.  That means it landed. That’s all they have to say. That’s all you need to hear.

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One of the things I’ve learned over the years becoming a husband and a father is that appreciation goes a long way. Offering an appreciation truly shifts the energy between Amy and myself – whether it be during a time where we feel good about each other and we want to feel even better, or if we’re losing our cool and we need to stop the bleeding.

Having worked as an Imago Dialogue Coach for several years now, one of the most curious pieces about this form of dialogue is how it allows one to slip into a deeper place of reflection while still being connected with your partner.  In other words, Amy can appreciate me for what kind of father I am, which is terrific to hear, but when she shares why that appreciation is important to her or what it gives her, it allows her to go to a place within – perhaps an old memory or an unfulfilled need.  By voicing this, she creates an even deeper connection between us.  She allows me to witness that deeper place within her.  Which is a very cool thing to experience.

“I appreciate how you play with our daughter…. and what that means to me is that I can really relax about my being a mother.  I can know that my daughter is in good hands, and that puts me at ease. I can feel like I am really home.”

See, that first part is a terrific appreciation – but the second part deepens the connection between Amy and myself and between Amy and herself! By my knowing what this really means to her, the next time I play with our daughter, I may be reminded of Amy’s words, which will anchor a in me feeling of deep positivity which I could not do myself.

So take a moment – think about someone you appreciate (or someone who is frustrating to you, but who you would be willing to stretch towards by offering an appreciation).  Think of why you appreciate them, and then think about what that appreciation means to you, or explain why it is important to you.

TODAY’S QUESTION:  What is something that touches you about someone in your life? Kindly share your appreciation about that person on this blog by scrolling up and clicking the comment link.

Thank you.

Warmly, Michael

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PART 1 of a Series of 3 Monday Blog Posts on THE POWER OF APPRECIATION

STEP 1:  ASK PERMISSION

One of the most powerful effects of offering someone an appreciation is how quickly it can transform your mood.  In an instant, you can change the entire emotional fabric of a relationship with an appreciation. There have been many times when Amy and I have pulled ourselves out of conflict by stopping and “rebooting” with an Imago Appreciation Dialogue.  And when we have practiced Appreciation Dialogues for no other purpose other than to connect with each other, it has allowed us to open the door to a new level of personal discovery with each other.  It brings us back to the present moment with open-hearted kindness.

Giving and receiving an appreciation is a deep experience.  It is not to be glanced over.  My friend Judy Umlas, author of the book The Power of Acknowledgment has shared with me that too often, people have a tendency to set aside appreciations, saying something like, “Oh that’s nothing.” How many times have you heard something like that? Or said something like that?

The problem is that when we give an appreciation, it is a little gunshot of love and awareness that we are directing at our partner, whoever that partner may be, and they might not be ready to receive it.  Why?  Because when we let someone’s love in, the emotion may also touch a place of pain inside of us.  Love is a deeply healing emotion, and sometimes people don’t want to experience it.  How many of you have someone in your life who doesn’t know how to receive your love? It’s as if they are saying to you, “Please don’t love me, because you will force me to feel my pain — and I’m not ready to go there.”

This is why it is so important to ask permission before you begin sending an appreciation.  Now, please understand, many of you are not familiar with the context of Imago Dialogue (YET!), however this piece of advice applies even if you simply want to offer someone an appreciation outside the context of an Imago Dialogue (listen above to a sample dialogue, or peruse our previous blog posts for other examples – see right column below).

Why ask permission?  Because it is a kind way of inviting them into an emotional space with you – a space where they have now given you permission to connect with them.  It’s like saying, “Knock, Knock – I’d like to open your heart, and I want to make sure you’re ready.”  This is an extremely respectful thing to do (especially with work relationships), and it may prevent you from hearing, “Oh, that was nothing,” or “Don’t mention it.”  Those kinds of responses are defenses.  What you want to hear the receiver say is “Thank you.”

Listen to the audio.  Amy knows very well that I’m about to give her an appreciation, but I still ask permission anyway. “I’d like to offer you an appreciation.  Is now a good time?” “Yes.” Great. Now I’m in.  I have entered her emotional field.  It is as if now we are standing in a tent together, protected in a cozy space, fully able to focus on each other.  I have set a context for the experience – and, folks, the following sentence is sooooo important!  Context is always more important than content. How you say something, where and when you say something, will always make more of an impact than what it is you have just said.  Permission creates a context for the receiver to open their heart, however defended or unfocused they may have been before you asked.

This week, offer someone an appreciation – but before you do: ASK PERMISSION.

So here’s a question for you to comment on -  What is more gratifying:  Giving or Receiving and Appreciation? Please scroll up and click the Comment Link and let us know your thoughts.

Thank you!  Warmly, Michael Sherman, Founder Courageous Loving.

(Kindly check back on Friday for our new “Give Inner Peace A Chance” experience).

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WITH AMY AND MICHAEL SHERMAN OF COURAGEOUS LOVING

I’m going to be honest with you – I still don’t believe or even comprehend that I’m a father.  It’s been two years since we’ve adopted Twyla, and she’s the best thing on earth.  She calls me “Daddy” all the time – and I love hearing that – but it takes a little work to think of myself as a father.  Maybe because my father is gone?  Maybe because I think of fatherhood as being a grown up, and I’m still not into the idea being a grown up.

The beautiful thing about participating in an Imago Appreciation Dialogue, is it lets you receive what’s true about you as other people see it.  There’s an art to receiving.  When you listen to a dialogue, it may seem pedantic to “mirror” someone – to tell them – “So what I hear you saying is…” but that’s the whole point.  Stop talking.  Start listening.  Deeply.  Slow down.

And when you do, you will hear things about yourself that you may be disowning. Like my own fatherhood.  Listen how the way I play the role of father affects my wife, Amy.  Listen how what she says affects me. Hearing about how she sees me as a father awakens me to the fact that I’ve applied this loving dedication to my new family, but to my business.  It helps me to see the parallel between the personal and the professional.

There’s a dance to this work, and it takes practice.  I’m grateful to share it with you.

Please comment below. Warmly, Michael Sherman

LISTEN BELOW TO A LIVE IMAGO APPRECIATION DIALOGUE!

This is a very exciting moment for us.  Today we begin bringing this blog to you on a daily basis – adding content that will help you to answer the question above – and hearing your answer.  We will be adding audio, video and text that stimulate your mind and open your heart – and teach you how the clues to your destiny lie in your relationships.

So I invite you to listen below.  Amy and I are both practitioners of Imago Dialogue, a technique that creates safety between any two partners. If you want to learn more about Imago – go to our website: www.CourageousLoving.com and Click: “Our Story”.  In the meantime – jump right in and click the button below to listen to a live Imago Appreciation Dialogue that Amy and I recorded last night.  Listen to the nuances of how we connected to each other, and how we turned something as simple as giving the baby a bath into something more.

Hearing an Imago Dialogue may seem strange at first, but to us, this is a daily practice in our relationship.  Think of it as “spiritual martial arts” – protecting you and connecting you.

If you want to learn more about what’s happening your relationships, this may be the beginning of your journey.  If you are a therapist, counselor, coach or holistic healer, we will offer these kinds of dialogue for you to reference for yourself or your clients.  Write your comments below.  We’d love to hear from you.

We will be offering dialogues such as this one multiple times a week for you to listen to and learn more.  We will also include some great stuff to enlighten your mood and offer you insights to experience the deepest, warmest joy in all your relationships — including your professional relationships.

So come check back to The Courageous Loving Nation, tell your friends and colleagues, and click the RSS button if you would like to subscribe to this blog.  Thanks for reading. – Michael Sherman