WORKING THROUGH CONFLICT: How Imago Dialogue Creates Passionate Harmony with Language

CLICK THE ARROW BELOW AND LISTEN TO A REAL-LIFE IMAGO DIALOGUE WITH  AMY AND MICHAEL SHERMAN OF COURAGEOUS LOVING AS THEY WORK THROUGH A CONFLICT TOGETHER AS PARTNERS

In relationships, how can CONFLICT feel like sex?

Partnership is about harmony.  Not balance.  There’s a difference.  I came upon this idea from James Ray, who despite his current infamy (see my blog post about him – CLICK: HERE), he actually had some wonderful insights to share in his work.  Balance is when things are equal and fair.   I’ll tell you about my day after you tell me about your day. You drive the way there, I’ll drive the way back. Cut the sandwich in half.
You eat the peanutbutter, I’ll eat the jelly. Nothing wrong with balance.  Except there’s no passion in it.

Harmony is different.  I’m a jazz musician, and in the jazz world, we like to talk about musical harmonies as colors.

Harmony is about fascinating colors

Players can create incredibly ornate arrangements of “color” in sound, often by fusing together disturbing tones, discovering an opening together in that disturbance and following that opening down a mysterious rabbit hole, chasing it as it evolves into a healing exit, an escape route into a refreshing modality or innovative melody.  This is where the passion lies as jazz musicians. And there’s nothing like it.

In sex, there is an exchange of energy, an exchange of emotions and an exchange of fluids.  I’ve heard it said to me that releasing yourself into someone else’s body transforms that person, as if you have entered their spiritual space and taken up a temporary residence.  There’s a way that sex is like an invasion.  And it’s not about balance and equality.  It’s about tension and release.  Enter me.  Meet me inside this sacred space and let us find the music together.  Let me receive your anger, let yourself release your shame.  All of these emotional interchanges can occur in an act of sex.

In this way, conflict can be like sex.  That is, if you allow conflict to be a source of interchange between partners (like jazz musicians or lovers), rather than turning it into a source of resentment and victimhood.  Conflict is a source of harmony in a relationship – and again, harmony isn’t always pleasing, but it is almost always fascinating, and it allows for a passionate interchange and a release.

I have a number of clients who are conflict avoiders or are in relationship with one.  Some avoid conflict because they feel attacked by a partner.  Me?  I’m married to a woman who loves working through conflict. It’s not always fun nor is it easy – as you can hear the tough emotions and embarassment stream through my voice in audio above.  However, what you may also hear in this audio is how the “jolt” or anger and frustration that Amy felt was received by me, through the process of Imago Dialogue.  And rather than she stewing on it for weeks and me wondering why my wife is so moody all the time, we practiced a healing Imago Dialogue with me as receiver.  This allowed the conflict to express itself harmoniously, as an interchange of difficult emotions occurred.  The dialogue created safety for me to have an empathic emotion response to Amy’s experience – as if she were entering me sexually with her words and emotions.  Only this version of sex is with respectful language, rather than with body parts.  The result: a) deeper, more profound trust.  b) better sleep, better health, and a recovered mood.  c) an openness towards renewed physical intimacy without the barriers of resentment.

In this way, working through conflict is like sex.

Questions about Imago Dialogue? Click my photo on the right panel and I’ll get back to you via email.

TRY THIS EXERCISE:

Over the next few days, notice when you feel a negative reaction about something that was said to you – by a partner, a colleague, a friend or a family member.  See if you can decipher the story you are telling yourself about that interaction – in a way that de-escalates the emotions for you.  (Instead of being fuming angry, discover the story you are telling yourself about why that made you angry).  Change the story into: “What’s important to me is….”  Then, find a time to communicate to that partner about that thing that’s important to you.   So for example, if your boss was pushy and that triggered your frustration, allow yourself to discover the story you are really telling yourself (for example: “I don’t like being pushed around”).  Then turn that into the following:  “What’s important to me is that I be seen as a leader.”   Now, find the courage and the appropriate time, place, context to share with your boss: “Hey, I just want you to know, something important about me is that people see me as a leader.” And then you may want to ask him to partner up with you to support you on that journey.  This allows you to enter his space and find the opening towards harmony in a way that works through conflict in a subtle and powerful manner. It will also give you a feeling of power and freedom.

Let me know how it goes.

Warmly, Michael

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