APPRECIATION DIALOGUE – Step One: Ask Permission

LISTEN BELOW TO AN IMAGO APPRECIATION DIALOGUE RECORDED BY MICHAEL AND AMY SHERMAN OF COURAGEOUS LOVING

Read below and then leave a comment above answering the question: Which is better: Giving or Receiving and Appreciation?

PART 1 of a Series of 3 Monday Blog Posts on THE POWER OF APPRECIATION

STEP 1:  ASK PERMISSION

One of the most powerful effects of offering someone an appreciation is how quickly it can transform your mood.  In an instant, you can change the entire emotional fabric of a relationship with an appreciation. There have been many times when Amy and I have pulled ourselves out of conflict by stopping and “rebooting” with an Imago Appreciation Dialogue.  And when we have practiced Appreciation Dialogues for no other purpose other than to connect with each other, it has allowed us to open the door to a new level of personal discovery with each other.  It brings us back to the present moment with open-hearted kindness.

Giving and receiving an appreciation is a deep experience.  It is not to be glanced over.  My friend Judy Umlas, author of the book The Power of Acknowledgment has shared with me that too often, people have a tendency to set aside appreciations, saying something like, “Oh that’s nothing.” How many times have you heard something like that? Or said something like that?

The problem is that when we give an appreciation, it is a little gunshot of love and awareness that we are directing at our partner, whoever that partner may be, and they might not be ready to receive it.  Why?  Because when we let someone’s love in, the emotion may also touch a place of pain inside of us.  Love is a deeply healing emotion, and sometimes people don’t want to experience it.  How many of you have someone in your life who doesn’t know how to receive your love? It’s as if they are saying to you, “Please don’t love me, because you will force me to feel my pain — and I’m not ready to go there.”

This is why it is so important to ask permission before you begin sending an appreciation.  Now, please understand, many of you are not familiar with the context of Imago Dialogue (YET!), however this piece of advice applies even if you simply want to offer someone an appreciation outside the context of an Imago Dialogue (listen above to a sample dialogue, or peruse our previous blog posts for other examples – see right column below).

Why ask permission?  Because it is a kind way of inviting them into an emotional space with you – a space where they have now given you permission to connect with them.  It’s like saying, “Knock, Knock – I’d like to open your heart, and I want to make sure you’re ready.”  This is an extremely respectful thing to do (especially with work relationships), and it may prevent you from hearing, “Oh, that was nothing,” or “Don’t mention it.”  Those kinds of responses are defenses.  What you want to hear the receiver say is “Thank you.”

Listen to the audio.  Amy knows very well that I’m about to give her an appreciation, but I still ask permission anyway. “I’d like to offer you an appreciation.  Is now a good time?” “Yes.” Great. Now I’m in.  I have entered her emotional field.  It is as if now we are standing in a tent together, protected in a cozy space, fully able to focus on each other.  I have set a context for the experience – and, folks, the following sentence is sooooo important!  Context is always more important than content. How you say something, where and when you say something, will always make more of an impact than what it is you have just said.  Permission creates a context for the receiver to open their heart, however defended or unfocused they may have been before you asked.

This week, offer someone an appreciation – but before you do: ASK PERMISSION.

So here’s a question for you to comment on -  What is more gratifying:  Giving or Receiving and Appreciation? Please scroll up and click the Comment Link and let us know your thoughts.

Thank you!  Warmly, Michael Sherman, Founder Courageous Loving.

(Kindly check back on Friday for our new “Give Inner Peace A Chance” experience).

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