How Do You End Reactivity?
SIX STEPS TO A RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE
A Blog Series
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STEP II (continued) - ENDING REACTIVITY
We’ve defined emotional reactivity in partnership as a speech and behavior directed at a partner that comes from a place of negativity. Whether that shows up as withdrawal and isolation, or as anger and attacks, emotional reactivity is poison to the wellbeing of the partnership and its environment.
Ending reactivity is something to be strived for, but one must accept that living in a relationship where there is no reactivity is something akin to mutually achieving blissful enlightenment. You may never get there, but it is a matter of continually moving in that direction. The devotion towards reaching that goal is enough.
The key to accepting the irony that reactivity may never end is to master what is happening in the anatomy of a trigger. In other words, to slow down the internal thought process that leads to the reaction in a way that, perhaps, doesn’t eliminate or prevent the negative reaction, but after the fact, opens the door to an understand of why the behavior or speech of one’s partner lead to an emotional charge.
The way to do this is to internally ask this question: “What is the story I am telling myself about this situation?” If your partner says or does something that leads to an emotional charge of anger, what is the story you are telling yourself that created the feeling of anger in your body? By witnessing the story, one is beginning the process of de-escalating the anger.
The story you are telling yourself is a thread to a pattern that developed in (you guessed it) childhood. When you can coolly and calmly see this story and the pattern that’s been there for a long time, you are half way there to seeing the logic below the insanity. The story is learned and ingrained in the subconscious. Therefore, with practice, the story can be replaced with one that brings calm and connection.
SO TRY THIS:
Next time you find yourself triggered into hurt feelings by a partner, try to slow down and identify the story that led to that feeling. Once you get that story, see if you can make an association about where that story came from in your past. When you do that, you can begin to understand that this feeling is a current manifestation of a thought pattern that has developed mold. It doesn’t excuse your partner’s behavior, but it wakes you up to how you are infecting yourself with reactivity. It’s up to you to move through the feelings and break the pattern. Choose a different story. One that invites a solution.
Leave a comment! Let us know your thoughts!
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What is “Reactivity?”
SIX STEPS TO A RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE
(BLOG SERIES):
STEP TWO (Part 1): End Reactivity —- Blog Post Below
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FREE CONFERENCE CALL – Wed, May 1st, 9pm EST
“What Frustrating Relationships Are Really Teaching You”
Will be recorded for registrants! To sign up – CLICK: HERE
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What is “Reactivity?”
When our partners speak to us or behave in manners that trigger a negative emotional state in our bodies, and we respond by taking action from that negative emotional state, we have trapped ourselves in “reactivity.”
Angry outbursts, yelling, screaming, blaming is considered reactivity. But also silent withdrawal, raised eyebrows, sarcastic smirks, avoiding communication, lying is also considered reactivity.
Chronic reactivity leads to habits that poison a relationship. In our work at Courageous Loving, we see a lot of chronic and catastrophic reactivity in the form of the 3 A’s: Affairs, Addiction and Anger. These conditions are a result of patterned reactivity, actions and habits that break connection threaten the relationship itself.
Reactivity is an emotional charge that happens in you. It is something you must become responsible for, no matter what your partner has said or done. It is poison within you that remains in your system until you release it.
Witnessing it as is helps to release it.
What you may want to consider thinking about is to begin to see the condition of emotional reactivity as if one were looking from above at the members of the partnership like chess pieces down below. Someone says something or does something. That is the trigger. The other person feels an emotion that causes them to withdraw or attack. That is the reaction. See things happening like moves on a chessboard. Witness the reactivity, as you are taking part in it. This is the big shift into consciousness.
When you begin to see the dynamic from above, witnessing the reactivity with a cool head, rather than staying stuck in the negative emotion, you are on your way to ending the pattern of negativity. It also helps you see the other side, the other world of your partner, who in spite of what you may believe, is actually a different person than you!
PRACTICE: The next time you snap or withdraw from your partner —- imagine seeing the scene from above. Witness all sides. Simply notice. Don’t judge, just see it. Watch what happens to your emotions. Let us know what happens for you.
-Michael Jason Sherman/Co-Founder of Courageous Loving
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DISCOVER THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:
WHO ARE MY RELATIONSHIPS CALLING ME TO BECOME?
To learn more about our Couples program, CLICK: HERE.
To learn more about our Individual program, CLICK: HERE.
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WHAT MAKES “DIALOGUE” A PRACTICE?
SIX STEPS TO A RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE:
STEP ONE (continued): Practice Safe Dialogue
How is Imago Dialogue a practice?
When one engages in a practice such as meditation or yoga, there may be an immediate payoff after one or two sittings or classes. However, the real benefits come over time through a continued mastery of the art.
Imago Dialogue works in the same way. The more we witness our clients use it, whether as a couple working through an issue or an individual engaging it with a counselor to discover something about themselves, the deeper the level of healing and renewal of trust.
It is like the metaphor of a glass of dirty water. When you continue to drop clean water into the glass, eventually the consistency of the water grows clear.
It is the same way with the practice of Imago Dialogue. No matter what the issue, when the participants continue to use this communication tool, they learn to expect a profound change in the mood of the relationship. This change leads to a re-alignment of the partnership over time, similar to the way a spine responds to a chiropractor’s care over a period of weeks.
Through practice, the relationship begins to bend like bamboo, rather than break under pressure. Through practice, both members of the partnership see their partner in ways they hadn’t before. They realize what judgments or assumptions they had previously projected onto their partner that may have disempowered both their partner and themselves.
With these issues removed or simmering in their ability to restrict the emotional energy, a new sense of relief is installed in the partnership. This opens the door to a deeper level or resourcefulness in even the most stressful relationships. Practice means habit. Habits are a lifestyle.
When you understand the nuanced nature of practicing safe dialogue, you will gain experience that will find new meaning in your partnership, while awakening you to the dynamics of all your relations.
-Michael Jason Sherman/Co-Founder of Courageous Loving
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JOIN US FOR THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE! WITNESS IMAGO DIALOGUE LIVE. A POWERFUL NIGHT FOR INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES. GET YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED. NEXT EVENT is MONDAY, APRIL 1st. MORE INFO - CLICK:HERE
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DISCOVER THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:
WHO ARE MY RELATIONSHIPS CALLING ME TO BECOME?
To learn more about our Couples program, CLICK: HERE.
To learn more about our Individual program, CLICK: HERE.
SUBSCRIBE TO EMAIL LIST, CLICK: HERE
SUBSCRIBE TO BLOG via RSS feed – CLICK: HERE
WHAT MAKES DIALOGUE “SAFE?”
SIX STEPS TO A RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE:
STEP ONE (continued): Practice Safe Dialogue
What makes Dialogue “safe”?
When two partners willingly decide to participate in a dialogue, what they are agreeing to is a set of rules that guarantee that both people will be heard and understood no matter what. Without these rules, then reactivity has the potential to run amok. Instead of two adults safely moving through an issue like grown ups, one or more of you may be acting more like a child. If this becomes a habit, then you will soil the fabric of the partnership. Dialogue is a separate “space” with different rules. It is as if the dialogue is like a separate room in the house, something of a sacred space, where the participants agree on maintaining the sanctity of the space by their willing participation. You need rules to maintain that sacred space. Just like you there’s a rule not to run at the pool, or a rule to slow down when the light turns yellow. In Dialogue, the main rule is to communicate without reactivity. When you send a message in Imago Dialogue, you must use “I” statements to keep the onus on yourself and avoid blaming. You must choose words that are least likely to inflame the emotions of your partner, while still speaking from your truth. You must send your message in small chunks that your partner may hear you fully and mirror back what you’ve said to check for understanding. When you receive a message in Imago Dialogue, you must not make faces or posture with your body defensively. You must set aside any judgment or negativity that you may fully hear what your partner is saying, even if the content is about you. You must flow with the rhythms of your partner, as if you were catching a ball they were tossing to you, without throwing in your own side of the story (until it is your turn to send). These techniques allow the practice of Imago Dialogue to feel safe for both partners. The safety increases the sense of trust, and allows for breakthroughs in understanding.SO TRY THIS:
Sit with your partner and agree to engage in dialogue with them. Tell them, “Here’s the deal: the rule is that no matter what we need to talk about, we will do so safely. We agree not to communicate with emotional reactivity, no matter what the issue. We will send messages using “I” statements. And we will receive messages without facial expressions. In this way, we can talk about whatever issue we need to.”
Let us know how it works.
-Michael Jason Sherman/Co-Founder of Courageous Loving
JOIN US FOR THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE! WITNESS IMAGO DIALOGUE LIVE. A POWERFUL NIGHT FOR INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES. GET YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED. NEXT EVENT is MONDAY, MARCH 11th! MORE INFO - CLICK:HERE
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DISCOVER THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:
WHO ARE MY RELATIONSHIPS CALLING ME TO BECOME?
To learn more about our Couples program, CLICK: HERE.
To learn more about our Individual program, CLICK: HERE.
SUBSCRIBE TO EMAIL LIST, CLICK: HERE
SUBSCRIBE TO BLOG via RSS feed – CLICK: HERE
WHAT IS DIALOGUE?
SIX STEPS TO A RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE:
STEP ONE: Practice Safe Dialogue
What is “Dialogue?”:
What communication tool can you use with a partner to move through the emotional energy in your relationship?
The foundational technique that we teach in our Courageous Loving counseling practice (and use in our own relationship) is called Imago Dialogue. It is a deceptively simple method of communication that leads to powerful insights, healing, connection, empathy, positivity and transformation.
Imago Dialogue was created by Dr. Harville Hendrix, the author of the best selling book, “Getting the Love You Want.” Dr. Hendrix designed this method with the intention of allowing partners to have a structured framework to communicate difficult issues in a way that de-escalates reactivity such as yelling or screaming, while also avoiding silent forms of negativity such as withdrawing from your partner or shutting down emotionally.
Simply put, Imago Dialogue is a way for one person to send the message and the other to receive the message, without judgment, interpretation, ridicule or criticism. When incorporated as a tool in partnership, it systematically moves stuck emotionally energy and awakens both partners to new understanding.
Dialogue is a container for the emotional energy of a partnership. It holds all of the heat of frustration until that heat shifts into healing. Think of it this way, if you put oil in a pot and turn on the stove, but you leave the pot uncovered, that oil is going to splatter in all directions and make a huge mess. If you get too close to the uncovered pot, you might get burned. But if there’s lid on that pot, whatever is inside is covered. Yes, it’s hot and explosive, but all the action is contained inside that covered pot.
You’re safe. You won’t get burned.
Dialogue works in this way for relationships. Whether the hot energy comes in the form of anger and frustration, or if the heat has morphed into shut down and fearful withdrawal, dialogue lets the words do the work for you and keep both of you safe. You might be communicating about some difficult topics, but if you do so within the container of dialogue, you will move the energy and handle the situation like two grown-ups – no matter what the details of the issue.
So, how do you create this container? Imago Dialogue is something you’ve got to learn and practice, like meditation, only for partners. If you want to learn it, you can start a program of counseling, attend one of our Relationship Miracle events (coming up on March 11th in Chestnut Ridge, NY – for details click: HERE), or you can listen to the sample dialogues on this website.
But to get started — simply try this:
Ask your partner for an appointment. Tell him or her, “I’d like to connect with you about….. (pick a topic). Are you available on Thursday night?” If you treat your relationship like a business (and if you’re married, it is a business), then you will get the same results that you get in a business.
“Hey, partner, are you available to talk about….. on Monday? Great, we’ll move through this then.” Try that, instead of reacting like a bully, or avoiding each other like a child. The asking for an appointment creates a container. It shows that you are going to have separate space to communicate about difficult issues. It reframes the entire situation.
Let us know how it works.
Good luck.
-Michael Sherman/Co-Founder of Courageous Loving
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DISCOVER THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:
WHO ARE MY RELATIONSHIPS CALLING ME TO BECOME?
To learn more about our Couples program, CLICK: HERE.
To learn more about our Individual program, CLICK: HERE.
SUBSCRIBE TO EMAIL LIST, CLICK: HERE
SUBSCRIBE TO BLOG via RSS feed – CLICK: HERE
SIX STEPS TO A RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE – A BLOG SERIES
INTRODUCTION:
In the coming weeks, the Courageous Loving blog will be filled with an ongoing series of short written pieces focusing on our system of relational healing, called “The Six Steps to a Relationship Miracle.”
Week after week, this blog series will attempt to enlighten our readers about what it takes to move through positive transformation in a relationship or partnership. The pieces will be written in a manner that focuses on our beliefs about the laws of partnership, based on our years of study and professional practice, as well as walking the walk in our own life.
As you read, we urge you to consider these ideas and principles as they apply to partnership in general. In other words, any two people can be partners: lovers, friends, business associates or clients, parents and children, etc. While the written pieces will emphasize the healing of a love relationship, you can interpret and manipulate the content to make meaning for other kinds of partnerships, in order to gain insight about the dynamics that cross the boundaries of personal and professional relationships.
Also, if you are not in a partnership right now, or you are considering getting out of one, these principles still will offer you powerful insights. We fully believe that it is of vital importance to move through and beyond a relationship in a way that leads to healing, empowerment, connection and opens the door to the highest and best good for all. Otherwise, you risk the possibility of repeating or worsening the negative patterns that you co-created in the very partnership you want to leave.
In this way, your “Relationship Miracle” may be discovering the presence and posture of your Higher Self that will give you guidance as you elegantly make changes with your partner. You may need to leave the situation, change the situation or accept the situation. Whatever you choose, the process of understanding these steps will help you discover your own true nature.
We will be adding new posts every week. We hope you enjoy what you read, and we encourage dialogue on this blog by offering comments or sending us emails. Likewise, for those in the New York area, we invite you to join us at our next “Relationship Miracle” event, where we demonstrate Imago Dialogue live in our home. For the schedule of our next event, CLICK: HERE.
For those who are interested in transformative counseling for individuals or couples, kindly give us a call at (845) 641-8843. We work in our office in Chestnut Ridge, NY, or over the phone or via Skype. We provide weekly sessions or extended private intensive seminars.
We will continue our commitment to help people answer this question:
“Who are my relationships calling me to become?”
Much love,
Michael Sherman/Co-founder of Courageous Loving Counseling
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To learn more about our Couples program, CLICK: HERE.
To learn more about our Individual program, CLICK: HERE.
SUBSCRIBE TO EMAIL LIST, CLICK: HERE
SUBSCRIBE TO BLOG via RSS feed – CLICK: HERE
The New “RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE”
“THE RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE”
A LIVE DEMONSTRATION OF IMAGO DIALOGUE
at the Courageous Loving Center in Chestnut Ridge, NY
MONDAY, AUGUST 13th, 7pm. DETAILS BELOW:
WHAT IS “THE RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE“?
THE RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE is an event led by professional counselors Amy and Michael Sherman, co-founders of Courageous Loving. What you will see when you attend is an unrehearsed, unscripted, live IMAGO DIALOGUE, a method of transformational partner communication developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix, author of the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want.
At each “Miracle,” Amy and Michael will take a topic that is central to partnership – money, sexual intimacy, spirituality, parenting, and health – and engage in this structured communication technique in a way that immediately creates harmony where there was conflict, safety where there was defensive reactivity, clarity where there was confusion, and understanding when there was disagreement.
The Miracle that happens is a shift in consciousness, a way to make sense of one’s partner that opens the doors to healing and growth for both participants. No matter what the content, the process allows for a new level of understanding, increasing the level of appreciation, uplifting the mood and strengthening the bond such that solutions that once seemed impossible now appear naturally and effortlessly.
WHO IS THIS EVENT FOR?
Although the IMAGO DIALOGUE demonstration is performed by a couple, this event is for anyone who wants to better understand the dynamics of relationships, particularly those that create frustration in our lives. Partners in committed relationships will benefit tremendously, whether they are going through a tough transition, they are just starting out and want to learn what’s ahead, or if they are in a good place and want to learn how to take things to a new level.
But also, for individuals who want to better understand the patterns in their relationships, be they romantic partnerships, family or even professional dynamics with clients and co-workers, many confusing issues will become clear, perhaps in a way you have never considered before.
Some people come even when their partner is unwilling. This is absolutely fine. You’ll get a lot out of it.
After the demonstration of IMAGO DIALOGUE, Amy and Michael will answer all questions related to relationships and personal transformation. Often the “Miracle” comes from an audience member who shows up with something that baffles them and leaves with a refreshing and enlightening outlook.
What makes “THE RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE” unique?
In today’s world, where we are bombarded with stress at home and work, there is a need to see a way to find powerful solutions in our relationships, particularly when it feels like we have little time to handle difficult issues. “The Relationship Miracle” is an oasis for people who need answers now.
While we may enjoy watching reality shows on T.V., “The Relationship Miracle” is a real reality show, in the sense that this is a couple who are not only helping people heal and transform, but they are committed to doing the work themselves. Amy and Michael freely admit that they are not the perfect couple, but they are masters at this technique, and are devoted to using it in a way that helps them stay connected and positive no matter what.
In this way, you are getting to see two artists present the work of their lives in a way that will not only give you tips and tools, but will take your breath away with their honesty and compassion.
What are people saying about the work of Amy and Michael Sherman?
“I am grateful for all the changes you are helping us make as individuals. My partner’s transformation is nothing short of incredible. The work you do is amazing! You guys are a great team!!!!“
- Renee (Couples Counseling Client)
“If ever there was an anti-therapy guy, that was me. And now I’m so glad I did it. It’s all about managing my thoughts. It was a job at first; it’s easier now. It’s amazing how different I am now. I don’t get bent out of shape anymore. It’s been life-changing for me. I can’t thank you enough.
- Dave D. (Couples Counseling Client)
“It’s been an incredible process to learn about myself by understanding my relationships. I feel as if I’ve grown into the person I’m meant to become. It’s incredibly liberating and insightful work.”
- Lola P. (Individual Counseling Client)
WHEN, WHERE, HOW MUCH and HOW DO I SIGN UP?
“THE RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE” – IMAGO DIALOGUE Demonstration now happens at the Courageous Loving Center at the home of Amy and Michael Sherman -
4 Sparrow Ave, Chestnut Ridge, NY. 10977
RSVP REQUIRED. Please call Amy at (845) 641-8843. Or email Amy@CourageousLoving.com.
$20 per person or $30 per couple (any 2 people coming together).
THE NEXT “RELATIONSHIP MIRACLE” is happening on MONDAY, AUGUST 13th.
7pm Registration. 7:15 Program begins. 8:45 Program ends Snacks and informal discussion to follow.
See you at THE MIRACLE!
